Blast from the Ex-Past [Warning: Explicit Content]

I found this happy little poem when packing up my things for our move to San Francisco. It was a lovingly written for some guys I dated in my past. It made me giggle.


Looking at my black book
I am frustrated
The list of good men is too abbreviated
hand me a pen, I'll give it a couple of clicks and
tell you about these little dicks
First there's Jimmy-Jam-James,
See, his biggest problem is
he can't fill a condom
lay it on a ruler bitch, all of you
shit, man it won't go passed 2
You a little dick too
Then there's Tim
His biggest sin is assuming I'm stupid,
but naw, it's you, kid
You said we should get married
that relationship was buried
long before it started
so damn glad we parted
you said your anger was manifest passion
I just couldn't fashion my heart
to love you
you a little dick too
Here goes Steve-o
He's not the drug but the placebo
He's the temp dick between these bitches
happened so fast I can't
tell how the sex is
and though you not like the group
you a little dick too
Then we've got Brian
He's got the heart of a lion,
a lion with no dick
Listen here, little prick I know
you've been calling my phone and then hang up,
give it up little bitch
we ain't gonna fuck
You fed me some lines about how
destiny is true
Man, shut the fuck up,
you a little dick too

I was listening to a lot of Dr. Dre at the time and fancied myself hardcore. I'm now married with a poofy dog.

Passion 2.0

My passion has, like a failed alcoholic, been reborn. Rather than being dipped backwards in a pool of warm water, though, I’m sitting my ass down and forcing myself to write. It’s as simple as that and yet for years I’ve ignored this part of me.

I was in a doctor’s office waiting room when I was about 7 and saw a baby with an extra pinky. The pinky was a chubby baby finger like the rest of the hand, but it was hanging on by just a fleshy thread. My mom told me it would either die and fall off on its own or a doctor would need to operate to remove it. I’m not sure if my mom went to medical school, but she sure made this analogy convenient for me. My passion is slightly shriveled, turning bluish-purple and I was until very recently ready to chew through the fleshy thread. Unlike an extra pinky, though, this passion that I’ve ignored for so long is only going to make the rest of my life better. Sure, it won’t give me an upper-hand on the monkey bars like an extra digit might, but I also didn’t have to keep my hand in my pocket on first dates.

I expect challenges and criticism. I hope for quality and fulfillment. I will settle for wealth and fanfare.

A Slim Mistake

I'm often subjected to the wailed claims of thin women that they're too fat. Now, I know they expect the fat person in the room to chime in with a you're-half-my-ass compliment, but why? It's really not my fault that when you gain weight your ass gets bigger and your boobs get saggier. When I gain weight my ass gets juicier and my boobs get vavoomier. That's how I choose to see it and it has worked for me thus far. I'm not saying that I think that being fat is the best thing for my body. I am aware of the consequences of carrying extra weight around on my small frame. But, I figure I don't smoke cigarettes and don't do any injectable or snortable narcotics, don't take part in donkey shows, so I'm doing my part. If you are a fat woman who has also been on the receiving end of this bait, why not take it? Except instead of saying, "No way, you're totally not fat! Now I'm fat" say something like, "if you're unhappy with your body, why don't you do something about it". Stick that in your fatty pipe and smoke it.

Plea to a Feminazi

Leave

Me

Alone

Let me make a nice home

I can, just like you

Fill a man's big ole shoe

But remember, dear wench

Heels get sexier inch by inch

I don't like to mow the lawn

I'd much rather

Get it on

Then say 'Honey, the grass

is looking rather long'

Bake a pie

Try it once

You won't die

Unspike your hair

Wear a skirt just to there

Throw some pearls on that neck

Gloria Steinem? What the heck

Even she could have used

Some cleavage and some rouge

Don't tell me I've no respect

Because the further we inspect

We'll see a man take more kindly

To a push up bra

Than a broad

who chops his johnson off

Yes,

Let the men keep their balls

I don't like sports at all

I know you would claim

I'm truly a shame

To all women who talk or stand

But what good is "Equal to a man"

If you cannot understand

The true power of Feminine.